Life on Meds

Before I was diagnosed as bipolar and treated with medication, life was an unending roller coaster ride. There were highs that would slowly climb to a pinnacle and fall over an apex that would quickly plummet me into a chaotic vortex of spirals and loops of emotion. My diagnosis was Bipolar II Mixed which meant at any given time the ride was high and low, up and down, fast and slow. Rarely did it ever slow down long enough to give me a chance to jump off. This changed, however, when I was diagnosed and given medication. While the roller coaster did not stop, it did slow down enough for me to see the world around me.

If you want to know what life is like for a bipolar person on medication, think of the most chaotic, upsetting, wish you could just crawl in a hole for a day moment. Add to that a touch of paranoia, a handful of delusions, and perhaps a little bit of anger and rage just to make things interesting.  Imagine feeling like that all the time. Now think of the normal you, the sober you, the you that is in control of your emotions and day to day thoughts. Leave in about ten percent of the chaos and emotional confusion, and this is life on medication. Life on medication for me is not a 100% cure, but it is the closest thing to normal I have felt in my entire life. It is called being stable. It is a new norm that allows me to differentiate between the old, bipolar me, and the new me that can handle the normal ups and down of life. Yes, there are still bipolar symptoms that remain, but with 90% of the crap gone, what remains is manageable

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For me, what remains is mostly manic. I still have feelings of anger that I try my best to push down, and I find myself plagued with delusional thinking from time to time. With regard to the delusions, I will tell you that without the medication I did not realize I was being delusional. Now with the medication I recognize the delusions for what they are. Sometimes I push them away, other times I allow myself to day dream and fantasize as if the situation was real. In either case, I recognize them for what they are.

Life with medication has also allowed me to hop off the roller coaster from time to time, and look at the ride for what it is. Thanks to the medication I have been able to look back at my life and recognize very specific times when I was depressed, manic, suicidal, delusional, co-dependent, or paranoid. And perhaps this is the most painful part of being on medication, because being able to look back with such clarity can be humiliating and painful, and even embarrassing.  Thus, with medication there has come a difficult learning curve – how do like myself for who I am, without hating the me that once was?

And I so I press on with my new-found freedom from depression and hypomania, or at least what limited freedom I have been given. I press on to new understanding about myself, my God, and my family. I live my life as fully as I can while I can for as long as the medication works for me.