Dear 18 Year Old Me

My wife once asked me if I could go back in time and talk to the me of yesterday, what would I say? After thinking about it for some time, this is what I would say to the bipolar me of yesterday.

Dear 18 Year Old Me:

You don’t know me, but I once walked in your shoes for many, many miles.  Like you I struggled with feelings of anger, suicidal depression, loneliness, bitterness, and rage, so I know how you are feeling. I know there are times when you feel alive, and invincible, like you own the world, or at least will, one day, some day. And I know there are also days when you could care less as to whether you live another day, because nothing makes sense, and life seems to be nothing short of a waste of breath. I know you fall in love easily, and are always looking for someone to love. I know you are a passionate person and willing to lay your life down for so many people, and that is good, to some degree. I need to warn you, though, that giving so much of yourself away doesn’t make you a great person as much as it makes you co-dependent. You need to understand that co-dependency isn’t just for women with alcoholic partners willing to destroy their lives for the sake of helping someone who will most likely never love them back. Co-dependency belongs to anyone willing to give of themselves to the point of their own harm. This isn't what love looks like, even if Jesus did lay down his own life for the sake of others. His sacrifice was a calling. Yours is a desperate grab for purpose and meaning, which you will never find by letting others use you. Stop it now.

And while we are on the subject of bad habits, you will not find comfort by getting drunk all the time. The answers to all your pain-filled questions are in the bible, not in a bottle. You should be witnessing about Jesus to white Russians, not drinking them by the gallon. Drinking only makes the depression worse. In the same vein of thought, put down the cigarettes before they start to kill you. Your image is not enhanced by drinking or smoking. These are only vices that make your problems with anger and depression worse by the day.

I want you to also know that what you are feeling can be changed by talking to the right people, the right doctors, and getting on the right medication. Prayerfully, seek out these people. Work with them, and let them help you.  No, God isn’t going to take away these feelings of pain, and frustration, but the right combination of medication and counseling will go a very long way to making you feel stable, normal, and healthy. Yes, with the right help you can and will wake up one day and for the first time in your life not want to kill yourself. With the right help, life can and will hold purpose and meaning. When you do reach this point in your life, you will find it easier to walk with God, and live out your faith in Jesus. You will be able to become the man of God you have always wanted to be, free from the bewilderment of why God allowed you to be the way you are. Do know, however, that the help you will find will only be a tool for you to use to overcome your depression and mania. While you will have the power and ability to overcome, it will be your choice on a daily basis to use that ability in a positive, healthy way. The mania and depression might be abated, but your sinful human nature will still exist. Thus, you will have many choices to make as to where you want your life to go, and Who you will ultimately follow.

I could say more, but for now I want to leave you with this to chew on for a while. It is enough information for you to use to find your way to a healthier and more satisfying life. I will add one thing; no matter how you feel, the God of Heaven truly loves you. One day you will discover that what you are living with is not as much an illness as it is a gift from God that you will use to help others who are walking in similar shoes.